'...HAS NOT BEEN SUCCESSFUL'

Near the end of my time at university, I searched for internships and jobs in the game industry, thinking that if I didn't get a job in the next month, it was over. The dream of working for a company that developed games would just be that... a dream, never to be achieved. 

Before I graduated, I found a posting for an internship, a game design internship. I thought this was the perfect opportunity, so I stopped whatever I was doing and set my mind on giving me the best chance of getting that internship. In the span of a couple of days, I finished my resume, my website portfolio, wrote a cover letter, and even bought a domain name for my website (this website!). I believe I created the best possible chance I could have at the time to get the position. Anyway, about a month or two pass, and I had gotten an email stating that they were not moving my application forward. Disappointment, frustration, maybe even depression (don't tell anyone!) set in.

I had failed. About a couple of days go by, and I think to myself, "this can't be the end". So, I do the proverbial dust off the old baggy stone washed jeans, and whatever job listing I saw I could fit in with, I just applied for it! I emailed many developers asking if they offered any internships or junior positions (some even replied to the emails). Most didn't reply to the application I sent for their job listing. I knew this wasn't the way to do it, my heart wasn't in any of it. I had also been burnt out of developing games after I graduated from university. It wasn't fun anymore, creating, it felt like unwanted work that I had to do, and I got angry and bitter. It was a struggle to double click on the Unity logo on my desktop. Every time I saw it, I just got frustrated. 

During that time period, I did move forward to the next phase of the 'job applying game'. I got a call from a developer wanting to have an interview with me about the job I applied for. This was my chance, it also felt like my last chance. But I was still tired of the game development cycle. Still burnt out and having not created anything since my time in university. I went to the job interview, and now looking back I can confidently say, that it was... average. I was average, the whole interview and my answers were too. I had no confidence in my work and myself. As soon as I left the building, I knew right then there was no way I got the job, and a week later I got an email confirming my thought.

I had to take a break, and almost make myself re-learn to have fun making games. I had to enjoy the process again, needed to love having to work out problems and bugs, think about different ways of applying mechanics to games, and everything else that game development brings to the table. So near the end of last year, I took a break, didn't write any piece of code, didn't model a small object like a lamp or some other kind of lighting appliance, I shut off everything trying to refresh my brain and forget about the bad times.

Now it's 2019, and I'm focusing on my 'recovery' and making myself a better designer. I'm already working on a game that I plan on releasing by this year (hopefully), and also have other game development related goals in mind. What if I don't get a job in the game industry? At this point, I'm not worried about that, I need to make game development my hobby again, I know that my portfolio work needs to be replaced with better work, and I need to get better at designing and creating games. I'm beginning to reintroduce my love for creating, And at this point, I can share my overall goal I want to get out of developing games, it might sound like a simple one but trust me, with your mind overflown with information and still not quite fully understanding everything it takes to make a great game, you can get lost in your own bullshit. So here it is... Make games that you would want to play! (it's that simple! or maybe it isn't).

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Image Reference
Pavle 2016, Grand Theft Auto: Vice City 2002, Rockstar Games, Rockstar North, GTAForums, Best mission failure texts/calls/cutscenes?, viewed 13 January 2019, <https://gtaforums.com/topic/856025-best-mission-failure-textscallscutscenes/>.